Big Feelings & Self-Control (Older Children)

Who this program is for

• Gets angry fast, or “explodes” over things that seem small
• Has big meltdowns or shutdowns that feel intense for their age
• Carries a lot of worry, anxiety or overthinking
• Finds it really hard to come back down once they’re upset
• Slips into all-or-nothing thinking — “everyone hates me”, “I always fail”

Your step-by-step roadmap

Move at your child’s pace, not the calendar’s — the “weeks” are just a gentle order, not a race. Feel free to repeat any stage for as long as it’s helping.

1. Week 1 — What feelings are & spotting the early signs

   Help your child see that all feelings are normal, and learn to catch them in their body before they boil over.
   • Talk together about the idea that feelings are signals, not problems — even anger and worry are trying to tell us something.
   • Ask where they feel big feelings in their body (hot face, tight chest, clenched fists, racing heart) and name their own early warning signs.
   • Across the week, gently flag one early sign as it happens: “I can see your shoulders going tense — that’s good noticing.”

   Try this: Feelings are a bit like a kettle — the earlier you catch the steam, the easier it is to turn down the heat.

   Mark week done

2. Week 2 — Building a personal calm-down toolkit

   Put together a set of calming tools your child actually picks, so they’ve got real options when feelings rise.
   • Sit together in a calm moment and choose 4–5 calming tools: slow breathing, a walk or a run, music, a fidget or sensory item, a drink of water, or a quiet “safe space”.
   • Try each one for real this week so they know how it feels, and keep the ones that genuinely work for them.
   • Agree on a “safe space” or a signal they can use to step away and reset without getting in trouble.

   Try this: Let them design and name the toolkit. A plan they helped build is one they’ll actually reach for.

   Mark week done

3. Week 3 — Naming & rating feelings

   Give feelings words and a size, so your child can tell a small annoyance apart from a huge wave.
   • Introduce an “emotion thermometer” or a simple 1–10 scale, where 1 is calm and 10 is completely overwhelmed.
   • Practise naming and rating feelings out loud in easy moments: “That looks like a 4 frustration — am I right?”
   • Tie the number to a plan: agree that around a 5 or 6 is the moment to reach for a calm-down tool, before it climbs to 10.

   Try this: Naming it takes the power out of it — “name it to tame it” works because words help the thinking brain switch back on.

   Mark week done

4. Week 4 — Helpful vs unhelpful thoughts

   Show your child that thoughts aren’t always facts, and gently practise kinder, more balanced self-talk.
   • Talk about how thoughts, feelings and actions link up — an unhelpful thought like “I always mess up” makes the feeling bigger.
   • When you catch all-or-nothing thinking, help them find a more balanced version: “I always” becomes “this time” or “not yet”.
   • Together, come up with 2–3 calm coping phrases they can say to themselves, like “this feeling will pass” or “I can handle this”.

   Try this: Ask “What would you say to a friend who felt like this?” Kids are almost always kinder to friends than to themselves.

   Mark week done

5. Week 5 — Solving the problem & repairing after a blow-up

   Once everyone’s calm, work on the real problem and mend any hurt — no shame, no blame.
   • Only once your child has fully calmed down, go back over what happened together and name the problem underneath the feeling.
   • Brainstorm a couple of options for next time and let them help choose one — the goal is problem-solving, not punishment.
   • Model repair yourself: a simple “I’m sorry I raised my voice — let’s try again” teaches that everyone recovers and the relationship stays safe.

   Try this: Connect before you correct. A calm reconnection first is what makes the problem-solving actually land.

   Mark week done

6. Week 6 — Building everyday resilience

   Shore up the daily foundations — sleep, routine, connection and talking — that make big feelings easier to handle.
   • Protect sleep and a predictable routine; a tired, hungry or overstimulated child has a much shorter fuse.
   • Build in small, regular one-to-one moments with no agenda — a walk, a game, a chat before bed.
   • Keep the door open for talking, and keep quietly modelling your own calming so it stays a normal family habit.

   Try this: A regulated adult regulates a child — your own calm is the single most powerful tool in the whole toolkit.

   Mark week done

Little tricks that make it work

• Name it to tame it — putting a word to a feeling helps calm the emotional part of the brain.
• Connect before you correct — a calm, warm reconnection works far better than a lecture.
• Catch and practise skills in the calm moments — never try to teach a new one mid-meltdown.
• Model your own calming out loud: “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a few slow breaths.”
• When your child is at a 10, your only job is to stay calm and keep everyone safe. Teach and talk later.