➡️ First … Then …

Why this helps

A first–then board works because it shrinks the whole day down to two steps: the thing that has to happen now, and the good thing that happens straight after. When a child is dreading a task, the day can feel like an endless stretch of ‘no fun’. Seeing that the not-so-fun bit is small, and that something they like is sitting right beside it, gives them an end point they can actually look at. Two boxes ask far less of a child than a spoken instruction does — which is why this is one of the simplest sheets in our printable parent toolkit, and often the first one a family tries.

It also takes you out of the role of nagging and puts the plan on the board instead. In our clinic we notice children argue far less with a picture than with a parent, which is one reason a picture often reaches a child who seems not to follow spoken instructions. The board becomes the thing that ‘says’ what happens next, so your voice stays calm and the moment feels fair rather than like a battle. That matters most at the end of a long day, when your own patience is thinnest.

The order is what makes it work, and it is worth being strict about. A first–then board is a plan you set out before the task begins — not something you produce in the middle of a refusal. If the good thing only appears after ten minutes of screaming, your child learns, very sensibly, that screaming is what brings it — the same trap that makes handling everyday tantrums harder over time. Set the board up first, calmly, while everyone is still steady. Used that way it teaches the opposite lesson: finishing is what brings it.

What tends to shift first is not willingness — it is waiting. Parents often tell us the arguing is still there in the first week, but their child has started glancing at the second box instead of asking ‘when, when, when’. Cooperation with the ‘first’ task usually follows after that, and it follows fastest for the one or two moments you use the board for every single day. Same moment, same words, same board.

Use the words you actually speak at home. The pictures carry the meaning, so ‘pehle joote, phir park’ works exactly as well as ‘first shoes, then park’ — in Urdu, Saraiki or Punjabi. What matters is that the phrase stays the same every time, so your child hears one predictable sentence rather than a fresh explanation each day. If two adults at home use two different wordings, agree on one between you.

A first–then board is deliberately small, and it is not the right tool for everything. A whole morning of steps belongs on a visual daily-routine chart instead. A child who has already tipped into crying needs a calm-down plan first — bring the board back once the crying has settled. If naming the feeling is the harder part, a feelings chart sits well beside it.

And as a moment gets easier, use the board less often, keeping it for the two or three points in the day that still go wrong. If refusal happens in every setting, or your child does not seem to follow pictures at all, that is worth talking through with a therapist rather than solving with a printable. Our two-minute development check is a gentle place to start. Send us a WhatsApp message and we can talk about what your child needs.

The idea behind it

Try this week

Pick one. Repeat it in the same moment every day. Stop while it is still going well.

1. Shoes, then the door
   1. Draw shoes in First, the park or the car in Then. Put the board out before you mention leaving.
   2. Point: “First shoes, then park.” Help with the first shoe if needed, then step back.
   3. The second the shoes are on, name it and go. Do not add “and jacket and bag” into the same First box.
2. Screen off, then bubbles
   1. Set the board while the show is still on: First TV off, Then bubbles (or one more song).
   2. Give a two-minute warning, then point at First. Wait. Do not bargain a new Then.
   3. If they melt down, wait it out without producing a better prize. The board only works if Then arrives after First, not after crying.
3. One bite, then preferred food
   1. First: one bite of the new food. Then: a spoon of a liked food. Same plate, same words.
   2. Do not hide the liked food. Seeing it is the point.
   3. Stop at one successful bite. Stretching to “the whole bowl” on day one is how this collapses.

Tips for using it well

• Do keep the ‘then’ something your child genuinely likes, or the whole thing loses its pull.
• Don’t pile several tasks into the ‘first’ box — one small step at a time is the point.
• Do point to each picture as you say the words, so the board carries the message, not your tone.
• Don’t swap or cancel the ‘then’ once you’ve promised it, even if the ‘first’ was a struggle.
• Do keep your language short and steady — ‘first shoes, then park’ — and then let the board do the talking.
• Do bring the board out before the task starts, not halfway through a meltdown — once a child is crying, a picture is just more noise.
• Don’t use it for everything. Two or three hard moments a day keeps it powerful; spread across the whole day it becomes wallpaper.
• Do hand over the ‘then’ the second the ‘first’ is finished, and name it — ‘shoes finished, now bubbles’ — so the link is unmistakable.
• Do use photos of your child’s own shoes, own bowl, own park if drawings aren’t landing — for many young children a photo is clearer than a symbol.
• Do fade it as things get easier: keep the board for the moments that still go wrong, and let words alone handle the rest.

Common questions