Most children do not tell you. That is the first thing worth knowing, because parents blame themselves for not noticing sooner and the not-telling is by far the most common pattern.
They do not tell because they are ashamed, because they think it means they could not handle it, because they have been threatened, or because they genuinely believe an adult getting involved will make it worse. Older children and boys tell least of all.
So it usually arrives sideways: a child who has gone quiet, stomach aches on school mornings, things going missing, a sudden refusal to go.
How to tell when they will not say
Look for a change rather than a symptom. Any one of these on its own means little; several appearing together over a few weeks means a good deal.
- Not wanting to go to school when they used to be fine, or stomach aches and headaches on school mornings that clear by ten o'clock
- Coming home hungry — lunch or lunch money is being taken
- Things lost or broken more often than makes sense, with vague explanations
- Taking a longer route home, or wanting to be dropped and collected when they used to walk
- Sleeping badly, or a return to bedwetting
- Sudden anger at home, particularly directed at younger siblings
- Going quiet about school entirely, when they used to talk about it
- Deleting messages, or a change in mood immediately after using a phone
How to ask
"Is somebody bullying you?" is the question most likely to get a no. It asks a child to accept a label and to admit they could not manage.
Ask smaller, more specific questions instead, sideways rather than face to face — in the car, while cooking, walking somewhere.
- "Who did you sit with at lunch?"
- "Who is being kind at the moment, and who is not?"
- "Is there anywhere at school you try not to go?"
- "What is the worst part of the day?"
That third one is unusually useful, because the answer is almost always a place — the toilets, the back of the playground, the corridor between two lessons, the bus. Those are the unsupervised spaces, and that is where nearly all of it happens.
When they do tell you
The first two minutes matter more than everything afterwards, because they decide whether your child tells you the next thing.
- Do not react with visible fury, however you feel. A child who sees a parent lose control immediately regrets telling you, and starts managing your feelings instead of their own problem.
- Say clearly that it is not their fault and that you are glad they told you. Say both. Many children have privately concluded they brought it on themselves.
- Do not ask what they did to provoke it. Even asked innocently, it lands as blame.
- Do not promise to keep it secret. You cannot, and breaking that promise costs you the next disclosure. Say instead: "I will not do anything without telling you first."
- Ask what they want to happen. Then take it seriously, even if you disagree. A child who is overruled at this point stops reporting.
- Write it down. Dates, what happened, who was there, what was said. A record is what turns "my son says he is being bullied" into something a school has to act on.
Dealing with the school
Go in with a record and a request, not with anger. It works better and it is genuinely harder to dismiss.
- Ask for a meeting with a named person and put the request in writing, even a WhatsApp message. Something written creates a record of when the school first knew.
- Bring the log. Three dated incidents carry more weight than any amount of describing.
- Ask for specific things, not for "something to be done": supervision in the particular place it happens, a change of seating, a named adult your child can go to, a check-in in two weeks.
- Ask what will happen if it continues, and agree that before you leave.
- Follow up in writing afterwards — a short message summarising what was agreed. This is the single most effective thing parents do, and almost nobody does it.
- Go higher if nothing changes after a fortnight. Head of section, then head, then the school's governing body or management.
Do not approach the other child's parents directly. It very rarely helps and it frequently turns one problem into two.
What is different for a child with additional needs
This is the part most general advice skips, and it is why families bring it to us.
A child who does not read social signals easily may not know they are being bullied. Children will call it a game, and an autistic child may take that at face value for a long time — sometimes doing something humiliating in the belief that they have finally been included. That is not naivety to be corrected; it is a specific vulnerability that needs teaching around.
A child with a language difficulty may be unable to report what happened in a way an adult finds convincing, and gets disbelieved for that reason alone. A child who is already dysregulated will often be the one who reacts visibly — shouting, hitting, throwing something — and ends up being recorded as the aggressor while the provocation goes unseen. That happens often enough that it is worth naming to the school directly.
Two things help. First, teach the reporting rather than the response: which adult, where they will be, and exactly what to say. A rehearsed sentence is far more use than an instruction to "tell a teacher". Second, work on recognising it — the difference between a friend teasing and someone being unkind is a genuinely teachable skill, and our social skills home program for older children covers it.
When it is a teacher
Parents raise this with us more often than they raise anything else about school, and it is usually said quietly.
Being shouted at in front of the class, humiliated for slow work, made an example of, or hit. It matters that this is said plainly: a child who cannot read fluently is not being helped by being mocked for it, and the effect on a child's willingness to try is severe and long-lasting.
Approach it the same way — a written record, a meeting with the head rather than the teacher, specific requests. If a child is being hit at school, that is not a teaching-style disagreement to be negotiated. It is a safeguarding matter and it belongs with the head immediately.
What not to tell your child
- "Just ignore it." It rarely stops, and the child hears that you are not going to help.
- "Hit them back." It usually ends with your child in trouble, and it is the worst possible advice for a child who is smaller, slower, or already seen as the problem.
- "They are just jealous of you." It is meant kindly and it does not help anyone decide what to do tomorrow.
- "This happens to everyone." True, and it makes a child feel their experience does not count.
When to worry more
Take it seriously today, rather than at the next opportunity, if your child talks about not wanting to be alive, is harming themselves, has stopped eating or sleeping, or has completely withdrawn from things they always loved. At that point school attendance is not the priority in the conversation.
Where we fit
We cannot make a school act, and we will not pretend otherwise. What we can do is the part around it: helping a child who cannot recognise unkindness learn to spot it, rehearsing exactly how and to whom to report, working on the regulation so that a provoked child is not the one who ends up in trouble, and rebuilding the confidence afterwards — which usually takes longer than the bullying did.
We also see the parent side of this often, and it is worth saying: this is one of the most helpless things a parent can go through. If that is where you are, our page on looking after yourself is not an afterthought.
A consultation is Rs 1,500 and lasts up to 50 minutes, we work in Urdu or English, and you do not need a referral.
Where the bullying has left lasting worry, see childhood anxiety.